i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
