I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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