The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
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my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
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Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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