i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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