life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
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I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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