I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
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we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
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Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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