I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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