What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
