im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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