oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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