you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
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im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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