I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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