I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
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well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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