I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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