you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
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Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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