Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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