she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
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Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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