i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Randomize