Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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