John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
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I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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