There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
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At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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