Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
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Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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