just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
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he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
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At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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