Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
