I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
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How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
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they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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