foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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