When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a search helicopter?!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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