I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize