i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
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so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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