Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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