Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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