I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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