I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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