I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
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It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
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I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
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