I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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