And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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