I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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