Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
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