Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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