If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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