i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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