Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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