Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
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I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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