My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize