What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
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Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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