I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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