He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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