WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
