Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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