I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
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Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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